Goals

So, as usual I have so many huge goals I'm only making minimal progress on any given one of them, and hiding from them a lot of the time. 

Some of my goals I've been doing a lot on, like practicing my jewelry art, because they are driven by deadlines and I rarely miss deadlines. 

Some of my goals I accomplish, but never as perfectly as I wish, like increasing the amount of cash brought in every year by the charity literacy auction and making it on site to manage the auction despite being half crippled by a recent leg injury, but not making it to most meetings because the time of year is in total conflict with my other annual events and not being able to take stuff dropped off in advance because I don't drive so I don't have a way to carry it around with my bad back.  I've already created an account for the auction which includes organized folders sorted annually for addresses and solicitation of applications, actual applications, auction questions from the public, auction management notes, notification of final results, and forms storage.  I'd like to get a web site going as a sub-page on the convention home site for the con where I run this auction, and post things like the year's charity cause and end results (easy), requirements and forms for new applications (pretty easy), and descriptions of things being donated prior to the auction (harder, since people waffle about what they might bring, and because any pictures would require having the items in hand and I can't do that easily because I don't have a car to lug them around with).

Some of my goals I sabotage, like paying off all my debts, because there are things I "need" to support my art (some things legitimately - can't go without more resin or more print supplies, some things less so - can't go without that new lacy-edged setting, when really it does provide a lot of inspiration but I could work on other pieces with what I have in hand), or because there are things I love so much I buy them every few years even though they don't fit practically in my budget (candied rose petals), or because I have things I want which I could get for less if I took the time to do it but I'm using that time on all my other goals (books, which could come from the library except that the trip takes hours away from jewelry making). 

Some of my goals I sabotage accidentally, by falling off things all the time and crippling myself (seriously, I tripped on nothing whatsoever on the sidewalk this week, just fell over, and sprained my ankle).  Last month I slipped on loose rubble under leaves and removed most of my knee tissue and ended up going to work with my entire leg bloody, I have fallen down the stairs in my house, I have fallen off the roof of my house and had my hip land on brick, I have fallen off a wet rock and drowned in a mountain stream.  I have stood flat footed in decent boots on a parking lot with a .2% grade and a few tiny crystals of ice and slowly slid downward toward my husband as he watched in bemusement.  My ancient war with gravity is probably worth a post all its own.

Some of my goals I make a major surge on, like cleaning up and organizing the house, then get swamped under the amount of time and stuff loaded on and then distracted by going back to my major goals again.  (Jewelry art, whatever it may accomplish, does *not* lead to a clean house.)  I finally admitted my inherited hormonal imbalance was bad enough I had to go on medication for it (were the first three people who killed themselves a good clue?), and that's helped wonderfully but now I've been off it for a week due to the stomach flu which didn't let me keep the pills down.  So I am sitting here thinking "I'm tough enough I shouldn't need that medication," which is the brilliant thinking that got me to the point where I crashed badly and had to admit I needed it in the first place, so this weekend I go back on the horse again.  Flipping it off with one finger all the way.

Some of my goals I have trouble with for outside reasons, such as clear-cutting my yard when I have severe ongoing back and hip pain (see the note about gravity my ancient enemy, above), and there's no getting around that except to tough it through so it goes in fits and starts when I get up the gumption, but the weeds seem to have more gumption than I do.  I have *fabulous* weeds, if they were edible they could feed a country, and the woody ones could build enough bonfires for an entire cohort of Roman soldiers every season if we had any Roman soldiers around who needed them for bonfires.

Some of my goals I stop and start on, like getting my ongoing respiratory and systemic infection issues under control, where I can handle battling the medical system for only so long and then I have to take a break while I run a major show and a literacy auction, and then I go back to it again. 

Some of my goals I don't do because I have too high expectations - like doing a regular blog entry or working on "the novel" or writing memoirs, and I want to do it all at once, real big, perfectly written, and there is no such thing as perfectly written in the first place and I'm annoyed that my "voice" changes depending on what old story I'm talking about, and I worry about whether every opinion I have is simply fluff anyway because a lot of it is absolutely two-sided thanks to the mixed cultural upbringing, and a lot of it comes down to "live and let live" and tolerance is every now and then a cop-out not a virtue, and a lot of folks would see most of my philosophy as waffling except for the five or six things where I'm adamant and then I'm bossy.  And I also worry about the fact that a lot of my memoirs intimately involve my own foolishness or that of others around me and the former I'd prefer everyone who witnessed it would die happily of old age in the next week or so and the latter will hope I die in the next week or so. On this one, for now, we're going to settle for doing an occasional blog entry and we'll see anyone notices.

Some of my goals, like deciding whether to have children, I never decided were really goals, and it's too late now to accomplish them and I have other goals I've really decided on.

Some of my goals are undermined by my own ambivalence, like learning Japanese again when it comes easily but comes with a freight of cultural burdens and predeterminations, yet I keep them on the "maybe someday" list for whenever I overcome that ambivalence, if I ever do.

Some goals became simply impractical, like continuing the fabulous criminal forensics courses I love at D.U. when I work until late and don't drive to get across town in time and I don't have a travel buddy in any sort of convenient location who would both love the courses and drag me along. 

Some of my goals, I accomplished, and time and tide have swept them under and they're gone, like writing out the basics of what happened when I was a kid, which I did and posted online and now the company that bought the company that owned that website has shut it down and it's washed into the internet tide, or rescuing all my old poetry from a destroyed hard drive which I did with a lot of hand typing from old copies but I gave the best pieces to a friend in a box so he could pull from them for an online magazine, and I never did get that box back, or starting a correspondence with someone, which I did once with a lovely sweet and foolish man I loved, and he kept those letters for years but eventually found an amazing woman who would put up with his foolishness but not with the box of letters, and he threw them away instead of sending them back to me.  Now I have relatives who wonder why I don't write.  By the time I'm done writing what I had to say has changed anyway.

Some of my goals I accomplished in an amazing way after a huge uphill struggle, like finding my wonderful life partner, who only makes me crazy sometimes, and every now and then actually understands what's going on in my head.

I think one of the problems with my goals is that they are all huge.  Some because they are that way inherently, such as "become a capable jewelry artisan" and some because they became that way over years, "clean the house" suffering under deposits of records from running a convention, odd assortments of things that surely will be really useful sometime (like a box of hundreds of gashapon balls which did in fact come in useful when I made people in an event "bowl" with ones that had several balls of smaller and smaller sizes stacked inside each one to throw off the balance), items I've collected over the years and things that are silly but I love anyway like a couple dozen beautiful glass vases.  I know, the answer to this is to break it down into parts - instead of "become a capable jewelry artisan" choose "learn to attach clasps" or "learn to make knots between pearls."  And I have done a ton of those little interim tasks so that I can see my loading bar move slowly from 5% to 12% to 20%.  But I've been working on the overall goal long enough to see it as a continuum over decades and despite all the little bits I still track my success on the larger front, and see it frustrated by notable setbacks like resin in several pin mechanisms or resin pours which have to be redone three times before I figure out the humidity is the problem this week.  One of the problems is when one goal interferes with another - all of them require time, and since my next step in jewelry work is soldering, getting a full soldering kit will both frustrate paying off debts and add stuff to the house that needs cleaning.  One of the problems is that some goals depend on other goals - I won't be able to drive around charity stuff or attend night classes at D.U. until I achieve the debt management and get a car, and I'm still really ambivalent about whether I want a car as well so that particular one goes in circles like a boat with one oar.  I can see by now that by the time I die I am still likely to have many many goals where I've just made it to 60%.  But given that I expected to die when I was much younger and most of the goals didn't even exist yet, or were at 5% on that guage, overall progress isn't that bad.